Dear Little One
In honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, I’m reposting this letter I wrote after losing our sweet baby in September of 2016. I was ten weeks pregnant. It still stings to read these words. All the emotions are so real and raw. It’s interesting to think that if I had this baby, I wouldn’t have our Clara (who is now three). It is a profound mystery to ache for one so deeply and yet love the one I do have so deeply as well. Both are irreplaceable.
To all those who have known the pain of losing a baby–Jesus sees us. And He loves to hear us talk about our babies. They were in His heart before they were in ours. So keep sharing about them and thinking about them. One day soon we will be with them for eternity.
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The past few weeks have been very difficult for our family. In August, we were elated to find out that we were expecting our third child. The thought of having three babies in three years pretty much scared me to death, but we were so excited to meet this little one and welcome him or her into our lovely chaos. We believe that God’s timing is perfect and only He can create life. But last week, we found out that our little one has gone to be with Jesus, our good Father. We are broken-hearted and our grieving is deep. As I was writing updates for the boys last week, tears began streaming down my face as I realized that I would never write a blog for this baby. But immediately I felt His Spirit whisper, “Yes you will.” There are so many things I won’t get to do for this little one, but I do want to write one blog. A letter. A tribute honoring our precious baby whom we loved so dearly.
Dear Little One,
In His sovereignty and goodness, our Lord has chosen to take you home. My heart is overwhelmed with grief. What a loss this is for us, little one. What a sweet baby you would have been, what a joy to our family. I keep wondering what your precious face would have looked like. I wonder which of our features would have been showcased. My arms ache. They ache to hold a baby that I will never embrace this side of Heaven. Oh, the snuggles I will miss! Your sweet smacking lips. Those newborn grunts and funny faces. I’ll never watch you as you sleep or marvel at your tiny fingers and toes. I’ll miss your smiles and the stares that seem to say, “You are my mama.” All your firsts–the rolls, the laughs, the ba-ba-ba-bas, the claps, the teefies, the crawls, the curiosity. My heart is wretched and the tears fall at moments when I least expect it. It hurts so bad to lose you, sweet one. This is such a loss.
And that is truth. You see, the world tells me that no, you were not a baby. That the blood gushing from my body was not the lifeline to a living human being, but rather a clump of cells that never developed. This is a lie. It is a lie craftily created by the evil one, our archenemy and the hater of all children. He hates all things precious and beautiful. Praise God that we know the Truth! I know that you were intricately woven together in the depths of the earth. Our loving Father saw your unformed substance and He said, “It is good.” He had written every one of your days in His book before one of them came to be. And as He lovingly formed every unique chromosome and cell, He whispered, “My little one, My child–I am bringing you home to live with Me. Your mommy and daddy will miss you so, but they will meet you in a little while. I am bringing you to a place that is much better than earth. It’s a place of immense joy, singing, smiling, and completeness. It can be all those things because I am there. I am protecting you, sweet one, from all of the trials and sadness of earth. This is your true home, and my plan for you is for this to be the only home you ever know. My purpose for you is great. You are perfectly made because I made you myself. I am your Father and I am good.”
I want you to know, little one, that I wanted you so badly. Despite my struggles to trust God at times and feeling overwhelmed at the thought of three babies, I never wanted this to happen. Every time I look at a family picture–for the rest of my life–there will be someone missing. Someone whom I never met, but I loved fiercely. I will miss you as I glance around our supper table. I will miss you as your brothers wrestle on the floor and I remember that you aren’t there with them. I will miss you dearly.
On the day I found out that you were growing inside me, God led me to this Bible verse:
The LORD is faithful in all His words and kind in all His works.
Psalm 145:13
Yes, I believe it to be true. The Lord was kind to give you to us. Oh, He was so kind! But He was also kind to take you from us. We trust and believe that Jesus is good. I believe that He is cleansing me and purifying my wayward heart through this loss. Even though my heart is throbbing and my arms are aching to hold you, I trust Him. And I consecrate your little life into His capable hands. Jesus Christ always, always, always, makes beauty out of pain. For He alone makes beautiful things.
I love you, my sweet baby. I will always be your mama and I will carry you in my heart until we meet in Paradise.
Love,
Mommy
